By unanimous vote of the school board, in order that our school district can remain a leader in educational innovation, all district football programs will hereafter be outcome-based.

Cooperative groups (formerly known as "teams") will be selected randomly every week, and will continue to participate in such traditional cooperative activities as "games," but in order for all participants to feel successful, no score will be kept. There will be no "losers." The purpose of such "games" will be for players to learn the process, and the goal of each group will be to finish the "games" at skill levels determined for each individual in conferences attended by student, parents, facilitators (formerly known as "coaches") and any such advocates as the parents may choose.

In order for every participant to have an equal chance to meet the outcomes agreed-upon in the conferences, less-gifted participants will be given extra practice and coaching. During that time, more gifted players will be offered optional enrichment activities, such as tag.

During "games," more gifted participants will remain on the sidelines to help "coach" their less-gifted teammates, who will remain in the game until they achieve the desired outcomes. Participants who fumble, jump offsides, display an uncooperative attitude toward the process or otherwise fail to attain desired outcomes will be gently removed from the "game" - with great care taken not to lower their self-esteem - and taken aside to be remediated by more gifted teammates. (Studies show that this promotes tolerance among the gifted, who will probably be spending the rest of their lives among the less gifted, and must learn skills necessary to live in a society that values lack of achievement.)

Because research by psycho-behavioral experts shows equal recognition results in increased self-esteem for all, every participant will receive a trophy. There will be no scores or statistics kept, no "all-star teams" and no special recognition for superior performance.

CAUTION: Because certain tradition-bound districts may be slower to adopt the outcome-based football model, and instead continue to emphasize the obsolete process of competition and the pursuit of outmoded goals such as excellence and winning, it is strongly advised not to schedule games against schools from such districts.